Thursday, 6 November 2008




Been talking to one of my beloved devotees by phone and we are getting
close. Sharing lives. On my side, loneliness, isolation, betrayal
and rejection.

Beloved devotee warmly welcomes me. Come live by her. Her family is
mine. Warmth, support, love. Sounds good to me.

But a question rises. It is about wounds. It is about the Light that
comes out of those wounds, which are Sacred. Shall one take away
those wounds that led to Sahasrara, Heaven, God and Bliss? What were
those wounds for me?

Loneliness, isolation, betrayal and rejection.

I told my beloved devotee how I prayed for ten years for a friend, and
each year at Christmas, God denied my request. In fact, a couple
times, God sent me rebukes for asking. Finally, I gave up. My prayer

'Give me the ability to live without friendship.'

That was answered. That was the transition God was trying to take me

As I look back upon my life of pain (and so much of it is voluntary! I
assure you cry no tears here as I glady gave up the pleasures and
comforts of the world for God!) it is the classic path of
spirituality: Via Negativa toward Fulfillment. Become Nothing so God
can fill you up. Be poor so you can be fruitful. Give up, renounce
all things for the Kingdom of God! This path, this principle is the
same for Yoga and Christianity. It is no different when yogis say
give up ego, and Christians say give up sin. You cannot sin when you
have no ego, and when you give up sin, you give up ego. (Because we
sin out of ego) (Of course, I am no fanatic...we all have some ego
when we come out of samadhi, but it won't take us to perdition, fear not.)

And so I am back to square one. I gave up friendship - to live
without it. Now my devotee says I have a friend, I have a family.
And again, those Wounds of Light. How I worshippped the Wounds of
Jesus, including the one on His Shoulder, where the Wood of the Cross
as He carried it on an already battered and bruized body, bore right
through to the bone. I worshipped His wounds daily. When Sept. 14,
Triumph of the Cross came around, I confidently stood up to carry the
elements (bread and wine) up to the priest - no one had the confidence
I had that one had been there, done that.

I finally transited to live without family and friends, and now will I
regain that which I gave up? (To be answered further down)

And what of the Wounds? The Wounds I worshipped, which I myself had,
do I go backward and renounce the suffering - go back in time and
erase it? Indeed not, I told myself looking back upon my life, I
shall worship my own wounds the same way I worshipped those of Jesus.
A new respect for the brokenness, the total despair of my physical
life. It led to something. It led to That - Sat Chit Ananda. The
Resurrection Power of Jesus Christ. Would Jesus and I go back now,
and erase the Passion, Death on the Cross? (I must add here that I do
have the Divine Stigmata, which is Martyrdom so I do have some claim
to total Oneness with GuruJesus....we do have great suffering and
death with each transition, and some are more striking blows than
others...each transition requires death, sacrifice, loss, and then
higher levels of is a fact, though, that
martyrdom/stigmata/Passion/Death is the ultimate of all those losses
and transitions.)

Now I am saying: After having been rejected by family, society, and
without intimate friendship, now that I am guru, do I sink back down
to the dependence and need of *human* family, *human* society, and
intimate *human* friendship? Here I think you can see the logic that
it has to be NO! Does an alcoholic, once dried out, go back to
alcohol? Does a 'sexpot', having given up sex, start doing it again?
Does a addict return after reformation?

Muktananda said,
'A man offered to be my brother...I gave up my brothers to search for

Muktananda is saying you can't go home. You can't go back to the
thing you gave up to get what you have now. So where does that put me
with my beloved disciple? With all my internet friends?

When my devotee reminded me we had met near Christmas this year I said
nothing. I had no answer formulated in my mind. Now I know the
answer. It is this:

I am the woman of God, not your human friend. We relate in the realm
of God first and foremost. (This is not to say there is no human
angle or perspective here, we are all Divine and Dirt, Clouds and
Clay, Other World and This World.) However, I can by no means sink
back into the realm of HUMAN DEPENDENCY. I cannot stay on the chakra
of base instincts, or dependency. I became free by giving up, and I
must stay free. (Oh, God, how difficult the 2x4 of family love was! I
had to give up all hope of my family loving me, I had to stop caring,
and basically forget them forever, even when some of them are now
being rather nice to me!...and the 2x4 sex and intimacy, how long that
took to take hold!...and the 2x4 of not having a friend, how
perplexing it was that God would choose me not to have a friend! That
was the last and most recent 2x4, about two years ago. Now I was
really ready to become guru!)

Now then some more thoughts about rising into Sahasrara Freedom and
Love. What takes us there? The awful 2x4's of life. How many does
one need to get to the summit, and how big do they have to be? The
two ways of getting us to a goal - to train us - are the carrot and
the stick. We have to be hungry enough for the carrot, and fearful
enough of the stick. We all have both.

Recently I took note that one of my devotees is quite young to have
reached the Sahasrara. (Could I have made a mistake in thinking she
was there?) I was in wonder until I heard this: she had not long ago
lost two next of kin in a tragic accident. Then I understood. The
huge 2X4, imposed upon a soul with a heart of gold, together with a
good guru, sends one right into the Sahasrara. Who would ask for such
a tragedy? No one. And yet, look how God makes up for what we have
lost. People do not want those 2x4's, but without them, we cannot get
there fast. It takes say 30 years to get to a place that God could
put us, in one minute, with a big 2x4.


Suppose you must get a high academic degree? Or the achievement
thereof, the knowledge. You can do it two ways. Study on your own,
figuring out all the books, and reading them, and thinking about them.
Or you can go to a school and study under professors who have already
learned, and be guided by them. Under the professors you can achieve
the maximum level of knowledge much faster and surer than on your own.
All these professors worked their way through the subject at hand,
already did the work, and have it in a ready form, a condensed form,
to deliver to the students, without beating about the bush or
meandering down the wrong roads. It is there, it is direct. It is
not hit or miss.

You, the student, come into the class. You have not been through this
course. The professor speaks, you listen. When in doubt, you ask
questions. The professor questions you and gives you tests to prove
that you really know what has been delivered.

THE PROFESSOR IS THE GURU. In this case, to become a guru, to deliver
shakti or faith healing, the guru has been through all the steps.
(More steps than you could count or remember!) And the guru has more
than one thing to deliver. The guru gives you Power - which is God,
Kundalini, the way Mother gives you Milk. Or the way God gives you

Secondly, the guru also has KNOWLEDGE. The guru, having been through
all the steps and transitions, has answers for you. Even with the
BODY AND BLOOD OF THE GURU/GOD you will still have doubts, fears and
perplexities. You will not be transported into eternity by the
shakti, you will have your feet on the ground, and that means -
problems. The world never ceases to bring us bewildering questions.
These enigmas will be on all levels, but the highest level you want
to tackle here will be the state of your soul, its condition. In
that, the guru is the master professor and can give you intelligent,
experienced answers.

The professor has already been whacked with all the 2x4's necessary to
be a guru. (You will automatically resist the 2x4's and will tend to
grudgingly accept those thrust upon you...the guru will encourage you
to accept the 2x4's with love, and not only that, to move forward
gets rough. But we are talking Green Berets here!)

The next thing the guru gives you is logical answers from all the
practical experience and studies she has ascertained. You will be
pleased to know that when you ask a question of the guru, it does not
mean you are stupid. The high level devotees are all saints and
geniuses. (Certainly in this church I am in a state of wonder at the
caliber we have collected in a short time. We have about ten souls
close to the Sahasrara or already in it! (And these appeared and
transited within the last two and a half months!) This is the highest
level of achievement and usually when someone gets anywhere near this
level - they have already become gurus...but our standard is so
high, apparantly, we will bring these souls to a level of such
achievement and ability, that it will be like Jesus and His disciples,
or Buddah and His Enlightened ones, or Ramakrishna and His dear
saints...these Avatars came to change the world! Apparantly, this is
the mission God has put before us! (This mission cannot be achieved
by one lonely woman, without the POWERFUL SAINTS surrounding her!)

So here we are, back to the beginning, on the bed of nails but in the

Relax! It isn't all bad. Once you get to the Sahasrara it will soon
be time to end the extraordinary sufferings that led you there.
(Unless you go for Stigmata/Martyrdom, which I do not impose or ask
anyone to endure...but that is up to you! I put no limitations on
anyone! I once despaired of finding anyone on the highest level, and
now I have ten! So who am I to say no one else could receive the
Divine Stigmata? If I got it, why could't they?)

I must say that I have entered into the Nirvikalpa Sahaj Samadhi
state, otherwise known as Nirvana or Moksha or by other names. It is
also Resurrection Power of Jesus Christ. This was entered into by the
urging of Swami G, who has been in that state since the year 2000.
The yoga saints were trying to get me into this, but I didn't get it.
I was stuck on the redemptive sufferings of Our Lord, and did not
know how else to serve God. Finally, one last bang from the SatGuru
Swami G 2x4 changed me. I made a decision. That decision was to end
spiritual strivings and let the power of God flow however it may. It
was like CHANGING THE SETTINGS. I now realized that to suffer or not
to suffer (as a participant in Redemptive Passion) is changing the
settings in the brain. These sort of pains are voluntary, and when
it is time to end, you can end them without losing any merit.
(Conscious merit, rituals, is a tool you must use much of your
spiritual life, but it does end!) The Satguru Swami G swatted me
until I made the decision to let go. Nityananda and Ramana Maharshi
had been trying to get me there, but I could not understand. It is
like this: God does not do it - YOU have to! I kept saying to God,
'OK, if I am to stop suffering, make it stop! Put me into Bliss!'

What I could not see was that it was not the OUTSIDE but the INSIDE
SETTINGS that continued the sufferings. I was also perplexed by the
tradition of the Catholic saints (as there was no Catholic saint I
knew that had ever entered a state called Nirvana or Sahaj, and I did
not see how to get around this template.)

I now had to make a difficult decision. I was to turn my back on a
lifelong tradition, and switch to yoga (so it seemed.) But very
quickly, I reasoned that this was, indeed, what Jesus taught, but He
had to die before it was practiced: His Resurrection Power and Glory!

Had I not broke through this level, I would not have as full an
experience and teaching to give my devotees!

Now here is our last question. How to receive this Grace, this Power,
this Knowledge of Professor Guru. Is there a big stipend? Tuition
and all that? Big loans to be taken out to be paid back over many years?

Rest assured. You have a scholarship. Every bit of your 'payments'
(the grace of God) were made by Richard Von Werder - late husband of
Rasa. And now, Rasa can teach you without any stress whatsoever
either way. No money need change hands unless you decide this is
something you want to do (and of course there are many blessings from
giving!) It is all free.

The joy here is that we concentrate on God, and God concentrates on us!

I would like to use the model of Jesus. Imagine Jesus charging
tuition? Courses for meditation? LOL. Price for Shakti or
Enlightenment? Jesus worked as a carpenter and yes, later, they did
get donations when He walked through Galilee preacing. One is not
avers to donations, but they come when needed - probably the next
step, when we get the disciples together and work as a corporate team.
Then, you have a Work in Progress that everyone can see, and they can
see where the support is going.

On that note, one of the benefactors of Jesus' mission was Mary
Magdalene, owner of the city of Magdala, the daughter of a Roman
Prince and Hebrew mother...she was equivalent to a millionaire....also
the wife of the chief steward of Herod, Chusanna, was a big doner.
This came after Jesus set up the disciples and started to work. He did
not charge the disciples as He gathered them. LOL. (He had enough
trouble as it was, imagine making these guys, who were so confused at
first, give Him money to teach them what He had to? No, indeed, they
learned by doing, as they went along. They learned by WATCHING Jesus
work and by LISTENING to Him preach. What a great ECONOMY in this
plan!) I have a feeling our church is going to be like that. The
disciples, by following me, will learn, and some day they will be ME.
Already the shakti is in them, and there is more to come.


The 2x4's come by both normal and supernatural consequences of life.
As you follow the guru, you will learn to lie on the 'bed of nails'
without being hurt. You will have conquered the world!

Oh, what a great beginning we have here! What Glory is coming to us
from God! I can't wait to see what tommorow brings our church!

Discussions here and:

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