A BUMP IN THE ROAD.
> (1) Tova, we had a bump in
> the road a few days ago. I will start my interview with
> that. Can you explain to me why you got so upset when you
> perceived I had 'changed,' that my vibes were
> different? I still loved you the same, but my outer self
> was in a slightly different 'zone.' You were
> extremely sensitive to this. Please explain your feelings
> & reaction, in that no matter what I said, you BELIEVE
I had 'withdrawn' my love from you to some degree.
YOU DID NOT LOVE ME LIKE BEFORE, I COULD FEEL IT. MATERNAL LOVE WAS NO WHERE NEAR THAT DAY. I CAN NOT HANDLE CHANGES IN SOMEONES PERSONALITY VERY WELL AT ALL BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS BIPOLAR, SO THERE WAS A NEW PERSONA WITH HER EVERY FEW MINUTES. SHE WAS UNSAFE, THEREFORE THAT MAKES ANYONE ELSE WITH SHIFTS IN PERSONALITY UNSAFE TO ME.
OUTWARD DISPLAY OF AFFECTION BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME IS REJECTION IN MY BOOK. ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE KNOWN SOMEONE FOR A LONG TIME CAN YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THEM NOT SHOWING AS MUCH LOVE OR AFFECTION BECAUSE THEY HAVE GIVEN IT TO YOU FOR YEARS ALREADY AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAS PREVIOUSLY FOLLOWED IS GENUINE AND TRUE, NEVER TO FALTER.
WITHDRAWING YOUR EMOTIONS SO QUICKLY IS WITHDRAWING YOUR WHOLE SELF FROM ME. THAT IS HOW I PERCEIVE IT. THAT YOUR INTENTIONS WERE SHORT LIVED AND YOU GOT TIRED OF IT SO YOU QUIT. THE GAME YOU WERE PLAYING WITH ME WAS FINISHED.
> (2) Is most of what happens Post Traumatic Stress
> Anxiety, working through this? Finding a Source of Love who
> will alleviate this sense of not being loved, holding you
> strongly in the point of love until you believe, until you
> have the confidence that it will not go away?
YES, MOST OF WHAT IT IS IS POST TRAUMATIC STRESS. I HAVE NOT SUFFERED FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS BEFORE MEETING YOU. I SUFFERED NO LONGING FOR AFFECTION OF CONNECTEDNESS. I WAS FINE, SO I THOUGHT, OR MAYBE I WAS. I WAS NOT IN THAT STATE LONG ENOUGH TO GET A FULL REPORT ON EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON BEFORE I MET YOU. I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR A MOTHER OR A SOURCE OF LOVE WHATSOEVER. POST TRAUMATIC STRESS ONLY STARTS IN THE BEGINNING OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP. I SUFFER CONSTANTLY IF I CAN NOT HAVE CONTACT SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. I SHAKE CONSTANTLY, AS I AM NOW, AND ALL DAY WHEN I THINK OF YOU. MY BOWELS MOVE OFTEN AS A RESULT OF NERVOUSNESS. I ONLY HAVE THAT STRESS AND FEAR IF I DO NOT FEEL CONSTANTLY CONNECTED TO THE PERSON (YOU) WITHIN MYSELF. I HAVE TO BE HELD 'STRONGLY' AS YOU PUT IT UNTIL THE FEAR AND STRESS SUBSIDES AND IF I AM NOT THEN I AM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR AND ANXIETY
> (3) I need to understand what does hunger for
> love mean to you? This true Mother Love that you want from
> me, which I am giving to the best of my ability, does it
> nourish your heart, soul, and mind? How does it mean to be
> nourished, the feeling of it, the sense of it? How can you
> equate/compare this to the need of an infant for Mother
> love, the need of the toddler, the need of the small child?
I NEED YOU WHEN I NEED YOU AND I CAN'T HELP IT WHEN I NEED YOU BUT I DO AND I HAVE TO HAVE YOU TO FEEL SECURE. WHEN I CAN NOT HAVE YOU I BECOME INSECURE AND BEGIN TO WITHDRAW BECAUSE IF I AM REPEATEDLY IGNORED OR REJECTED NO MATTER HOW SLIGHT I BEGIN TO REALIZE THAT I AM NOT WANTED IN THE GREAT WAY IN WHICH I DESIRE. YOUR PRESENSE BEFORE KEPT ME FED. BUT ONCE THAT WAS WITHDRAWN AFTER SUCH A SHORT TIME I AM NOT NOURISHED AND BEGIN TO STARVE, WHICH IS WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW, TO THE POINT OF ANEREXIA. YOU NOW TELL ME WITH YOUR WORDS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME, BUT YOUR PRESENSE IS NOT THERE SO IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL. THOSE WORDS ARE NOT TIED TO ANYTHING AT ALL. BECAUSE I HAVE LOST YOU. I CAN NOT RECEIVE YOUR WORDS OF LOVE AND REASURANCE BECAUSE YOUR PRESENSE IS NOT THERE TO SHOW ME IN THE FIRST PLACE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME ETC
> (4) Tell me what happens when a person with this
> disorder does not seek or find a remedy? What would be the
> result? What happens to them? Their mind, heart, their
> psyche, even their body?
YOU FIND PEOPLE ALONG THE WAY TO ALLEVIATE THE EMPTINESS FOR A SHORT TIME, BUT IT NEVER LASTS. PEOPLE MOVE ON, THEY, AND I MAY MOVE ON. YOU LIVE YEAR AFTER YEAR WITH CONSTANT EMPTINESS THAT TAKES OVER EVERY PART OF YOUR BEING UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE IF YOU CAN NOT BE HELD AND COMFORTED AND CONNECTED TO ANOTHER HUMAN MOTHER FIGURE.
AFTER SO LONG OF NOT RECEIVING WHAT YOU NEED, YOUR INNER CHILD SHUTS DOWN. GIVES UP, DOESN'T TRY ANYMORE BECAUSE IF SHE DOES SHE IS ONLY DOOMED TO DISTRUCTION. YOU BECOME NUMB, YOUR EMOTIONS DIE ALONG WITH YOUR INNER CHILD. NO MATTER HOW HARD TO STURGGLE TO BE REAL YOU CAN'T, WHEN YOUR CHILD GOES INSIDE SO DOES ALL THE REST OF THE MOST EXPRESSIVE PARTS OF YOURSELF.
A DEEP SADNESS LINGERS ALL DAY AND NIGHT UTNIL YOU FEAR THAT IT WILL OVERTAKE YOU. 'SHE' IS INSIDE AND YOU CAN'T BRING HER OUT NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE SHE HAS GIVEN UP. SO YOU GIVE UP TOO. THERE IS NO USE. WAKING UP TO FIGHT THE TOTAL BODY/MIND SADNESS IS DAUNTING. YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED BECAUSE NOTHING EVER SEEMS RIGHT. YOU'RE JUST A SHELL SO WHY TRY.
> (5) When you realized the next day that all was
> fine, I did not withdraw, then what was the feeling you
> had? The nightmare was gone?
NO, THE NIGHTMARE WAS NOT GONE, BUT I WAS MUCH MORE CALM. THE NIGHTMARE WAS JUST BEGINNING. ONE STRING BROKE, FOLLOWED BY MANY TO COME.
Will you be better able to
> deal with my different vibes at different times now?
I CAN NOT SAY THAT I WILL. THE DEEP SEATED, CELLULAR MEMORY, I HAVE OF MY MOTHERS BIPOLAR DISORDER AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME I AM AFRAID.
As it is normal for people to feel differently at various times,
> indeed, necessary for survival. No one can be the same
> under all occasions, their personality must measure up to
> the needs at hand.
FEEL DIFFERENTLY YES, BUT NEVER TOWARDS YOUR OWN CHILD UNLESS THEY HAVE CAUSED YOU TO FROM SOME ACTIONS ON THEIR PART.
> (6) Explain again from your experience how boys
> react differently to attachment disorder, how they behave
> when they are deprived of Mother Love. When they grow up
> how are they different than a female all things being
BOYS BECOME VIOLENT TOWARDS OTHERS AS THEY ARE TAUGHT BY THE OUTSIDE WORLD TO SHOW FEELINGS OF HURT IN A MACHO WAY , AND THE MOST ACCEPTABLE WAY IS TO OUTWARD VIOLENCE. GIRLS TURN INWARD AS IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR THEM TO BE AGRESSIVE. GIRLS MAY BECOME VERY VIOLENT AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE TOWARD THEIR BODIES, THRU VARIOUS FORMS OF TORTURE AND SELF HARM.